Once Upon an Adventure Time
by Andi88
Summary: Ever wonder what Once would be like if everyone's genders were reversed? No? Well Mr. Gold is here to make sure you find out anyway! Inspired by the cartoon Adventure Time, but you don't need to have seen it to enjoy this fic.


**Greetings! I'm back with another story! This is...well this is an experiment. I was inspired to do this by the episode of Adventure Time where the Ice King writes fanfiction making all the characters different genders. (You don't need to have ever seen Adventure Time for this, but you should. It's funny.) This is the pilot, and I actually intended this to be more crack-y then it turned out to be, but if you guys like the idea there will be original stories featuring the Once Upon an Adventure Time cast!**

**Most lines here are taken from the script, so I own nothing except the names, which, why don't you start trying to guess what everyone's reversed gender name will be before you get to it? Fun? Maybe? Hehe, enjoy. :)**

**Andi**

* * *

**Once Upon an Adventure Time**

Dawn broke with a spectacular array of color and light, awakening the creatures of the Enchanted Forest. But instead of a chorus of life and joy, the birds only sang a mourning song.

She refused to believe the rumors. She promised that she'd always find him, and she would. She would find her True Love.

Wind billowing in her long golden tresses, the princess rode like lighting through the forest, checking the ring on her finger anxiously. She was close…she could feel it…and she didn't need an enchanted ring to tell her so.

Snow began to fall as up ahead she spotted a group of diminutive women standing around something, heads bowed, some crying softly.

When they parted, the princess's heart stopped.

"No…" she whispered.

"You're too late," a gruff little woman snapped, though why she was angry at _her_, the princess didn't know.

The princess stared at the glass coffin in disbelief, tears stinging her blue eyes. Inside laid her beloved, Coal Black.

He looked peaceful, as if only asleep, and just as handsome as ever.

"Open it!" the princess demanded. It just couldn't be! He couldn't be dead!

The woman who'd spoken to her before glared. "He's gone!"

The princess's eyes turned pleading. "At least let me say goodbye."

The women exchanged glances, then reluctantly removed the glass covering.

The princess knelt down, running her fingers along Coal Black's pale, cold cheek. Needing one last goodbye, she bent down and pressed a kiss to his red lips.

A force…a pulse of pure energy burst out from them, spreading across the forest and suddenly Coal Black's eyes were open, and he gasped for breath.

"You…" he breathed, looking into his princess's eyes. "You found me."

The princess giggled, joy and relief radiating from her. "Did you ever doubt I would?"

Coal quirked that rakish grin that won her heart all those months ago. "Well…the glass coffin did give me pause."

Coal jolted up, grabbing the princess by the shoulders and pulling her into a passionate kiss.

* * *

They were married soon after. That is…after a war and a private ceremony, but we'll get to that.

Coal smiled at his beloved, leaning down to kiss her and make her (officially) his wife when the doors of the ballroom burst open.

The crowd gasped simultaneously. What villain would try to ruin this blessed occasion?

"It's the King!" Doc screamed. "Run!"

The crowd parted as The Evil King strutted down the aisle. "Sorry I'm late," he smirked. Dangerously handsome with long, dark hair and an elaborate costume of spikes and metal, he was stunning to look at but the guests gathered averted their gazes, lest the sorcerer cast a spell on them by merely glancing their direction.

Coal drew his sword. "He's not a king anymore! He's nothing more than an evil son of a…

"No!" the bride interrupted, stilling Coal's hand. "We won't stoop to his level! But he SURE as hell isn't ruining my wedding! Know what? On second thought, give me that…"

She snatched the blade and aimed it at the King herself.

"I'm not here to ruin anything," Reginald said, all false innocence. "On the contrary, I'm here to offer you a gift."

Coal narrowed his eyes. "Does it involve apples? Because if so, no thanks."

"Actually I brought blueberry pie."

"But you're terrible cook!"

Reginald sneered. "You can insult my cooking all you want, I'm here today to tell you to live it up while you can. You've made your vows, now I make mine. Soon, everything you love," he pivoted around, glaring down all present. "Everything _all _of you love will be taken from you. Forever. And out of your suffering will rise MY victory," he looked back at the couple, staring into his hated step-son's eyes. "I shall destroy your happiness…if it is the last thing I do!"

Reginald spun and marched back down the aisle toward the door.

"Jerk!" the princess shrieked, chucking the sword at him, but Reginald was already gone in a puff of purple smoke.

* * *

He nudged the door open with his boot, stumbling into the apartment with heavy grocery bags in his arms.

"What a night…" Emmitt groused, kicking the door shut.

He'd been hired to find a particularly elusive bail-jumper, and set up on a "blind date" with the crook. He knew the moment the case was offered to him it was a bad idea, but he took it anyway.

The woman was beautiful, but incredibly dim-witted. How could she just think she could evade bail forever? And she had a freaking husband and kid at home, too.

She'd attempted to run, even resorted to crocodile tears (which affected Emmitt much more than he would ever admit. He just couldn't handle a woman crying,) before insulting him, causing Emmitt to wish either he were a woman or the crook was a man so he could smash her head into the steering wheel…but he didn't. But he got his guy…er, girl. He always did.

Some way to spend a birthday.

Emmitt glanced around at his dark, messy apartment. There were month-old pizza boxes on the coffee table and pictures of half-naked women draped across sports cars on the walls. It was the very image of a bachelor pad. A very empty bachelor pad.

Sighing, Emmitt reached into his bag and pulled out the cupcake that he'd swallowed his pride and bought for himself, thinking he should have just gone with a donut instead. He also grabbed a beer, taking a few swigs before chuckling to himself and digging around his kitchen to see if he had any birthday candles left.

Someone had bought the pack of 12 birthday candles for him 11 years ago, and he used one every year to wish himself a happy birthday. Pathetic? Maybe, but if he didn't give himself a candle, who would?

Emmitt shook himself, trying not to think of the woman who was with him to light that first candle, and stuck the blue star-shaped thing into his (very manly) cupcake and lit it.

He normally just wished that he would get good and drunk, but the words that idiot woman hissed at him were ringing in his ears.

"_What the hell do _you_ know about family?"_

Emmitt closed his eyes, wishing for once that he wasn't so freaking alone. "Another banner year," he muttered bitterly, and blew out the candle.

The second the flame was gone, the doorbell rang.

Emmitt stared in disbelief at the candle. "No way…"

He'd barely even started drinking, so he couldn't be drunk yet. Guess it was a coincidence.

Frowning in disconcertment, he opened the door, thinking for just a moment that no one was there. But someone _was _there. A very small someone.

A little girl, with chocolate-colored curls and enormous brown doe-eyes looked up at him, smiling in a way that was alarmingly familiar to him.

Emmitt glanced up and down the hallway, looking for the girl's parents. What the hell was this kid doing at his door by herself at 9pm?

"Uh…can I help you?" he asked.

"Are you Emmitt Mallard?" the girl asked sweetly.

Okay, he was pretty sure he didn't know anyone under the age of 25. Who was this kid and why did he feel like he knew her? "Yeah…who are you?"

The girl's small smile turned into one that reached across her entire face. "My name is Hannah. I'm your daughter."

"DAUGHTER?!" Emmitt exclaimed, stepping back involuntarily which only allowed the child room to squeeze past him into the apartment.

"Hey! Kid, wait, I don't have a daughter!" Emmitt looked from the girl to the door and back again, rising into full-on panic mode.

The girl spun around to face him, seemingly unaware (or uninterested) in his distress. "Ten years ago, were you with a woman named Nicole?"

NICOLE. _That _was why this girl looked so familiar! She was a mirror image of the woman he'd fought for a decade to forget.

"Well, Nicole is my birth mother," Hannah continued. "And YOU'RE my birth father."

Emmitt gaped at the beautiful little girl. "Gimme a minute," he mumbled, bee-lining it to the bathroom.

The child was without a doubt Nicole's. She had her eyes, her hair, her nose. But that didn't mean _he _was the father. Sure…the timeline matched up. And…her smile…man, that smile was _his_. No. No, this couldn't be happening.

"Hey!" Hannah called, making him jump. "Are you gonna eat this cupcake?"

Gathering his courage, Emmitt opened the door and slowly entered the kitchen again. "No," he said, in response to the cupcake. "You can have it."

Needing no further permission, Hannah dug into the cupcake ravenously, getting icing on her nose in a way that Emmitt _definitely _didn't think was cute or anything.

"We should really get going," Hannah said between bites.

"G…going?" Emmitt stammered, still kind of dazed.

Hannah smiled brilliantly. "I want you to come home with me."

"_What_?" Emmitt exclaimed. "Wha…what are you _doing_ here? Where's your mother?"

Hannah's smile faded. "I've never actually met Nicole. She gave me up for adoption when I was born."

Emmitt felt an uncomfortable pinch in his gut, wishing that hadn't hit so close to home, wishing the kid who was most definitely NOT his wasn't already endearing herself to him.

"Then…why are you _here_? Can't find Nicole?"

She shrugged. "I wasn't looking for her, maybe someday, but not now. I wanted to find _you_."

"Find me…" Emmitt mumbled, then shook his head. "No, listen, I don't know what your game is, Kid, but you need to just go home. I don't doubt that you're Nicole's daughter, but…Kid, that doesn't necessarily mean you're _my _daughter…do you understand?"

Hannah quirked an eyebrow. "Oh, I understand," she pulled a folded up piece of paper out of her back pocket and handed it out to him. "Read it and weep."

If eyes could actually pop out of a person's head, Emmitt's would be rolling. In his hand was a birth certificate, listing _him_ as the father of Nicole's baby girl.

"This…doesn't prove anything!" he stammered. "She put my name down 'cause I a safe bet since I wasn't around," thanks to _her_.

Hannah quirked an eyebrow. "You really believe that?"

Emmitt looked back up at the little girl. No, he didn't believe that at all. Nicole was no angel, but she wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate of a child that wasn't his. And dammit, how did he think she was a mirror image of Nicole a minute ago? This kid's facial expressions were like _he _was looking in a mirror.

"No," he said at last. "I don't. You're…you're my _daughter_?"

"Yep," Hannah said. "Now come home with me."

"Where…where is home?"

"Storybrooke, Maine."

Emmitt narrowed his eyes skeptically. "Storybrooke? Seriously?"

"Yyyep."

"Look, kid, I can't just take you to Maine…I don't know if…I gotta call the police."

Hannah's look turned sly. "Then I'll tell them you kidnapped me."

Emmitt sighed. "And they'll believe you because you're a little girl and I'm a single man."

"Yyyep."

He narrowed his eyes again. "You're not going to do that."

Hannah didn't blink. "Try me."

Emmitt leaned toward her. "You're pretty good, but here's the thing. There's not a whole lot I'm great at in life, but I have one skill. Let's call it a "superpower." I can tell when anyone is lying, and you, Kid, are," he started dialing.

Hannah's bravado faded at last. "Wait! Please don't call the cops. Please come home with me."

Emmitt's thumb froze. _Don't look at her eyes_, he thought to himself. But he didn't listen to himself and looked down into the child's impossibly big brown eyes…welling up with tears.

Crap. He was a goner.

"Storybrooke, Maine?"

"Yyyep."

* * *

A single man driving a ten year old girl he didn't know into another state? This had to be the worst idea ever.

He didn't want this, he didn't _need _this. In fact, the _last _thing he needed in his life right now was to be someone's father. He had no clue about fathers. He'd never had one.

He wasn't even sure he _liked _kids.

"I'm hungry," Hannah said. "Can we stop for snacks?"

"We're not stopping for snacks," Emmitt grumbled. "This isn't a road trip."

"Please?" Hannah asked sweetly.

"Oh, okay."

After they were on the road once again, (did it really take fifteen minutes to decide between a bag of chips and a Hostess cake, especially considering they ended up with both AND a candy bar?) Emmitt saw Hannah engrossed in a comically large book.

"What's that?" he asked.

Hannah made a face. "I'm not sure you're ready."

"Ready for some fairytales?"

Hannah looked up at him, expression intense. "They're not fairytales. They're true. Every story in this book _actually_ happened."

Hoo boy…this was worse than he thought. "Of course they did."

"Use your superpower, see if I'm lying."

Emmitt glanced over at her, seeing the truth easily in her eyes. "Just because you believe something doesn't make it true."

Hannah fidgeted in her seat to face him. "That's exactly what makes it true! You should know better than anyone!"

Emmitt rolled his eyes. What was this kid on? "How's that?"

"Because you're in this book."

Oh crap, this kid was nuts, but it probably wouldn't do to tell her that. "Oh kid, you've got problems."

Hannah smirked. "Yup. And _you're_ gonna fix 'em."

* * *

Coal leaning against the wall, facing out the window, staring at the little bird perched on his hand. He flicked his hand, sending the bird flying out to the trees.

"Coal?"

He turned around to see his beautiful wife, and smiled lovingly at the way she stood there cradling her round belly. "What's wrong?" she asked, worry etched in her features.

"Nothing," Coal sighed, running a hand through his shaggy black hair.

"You're thinking about what the King said again, aren't you? Coal, please…I can't keep having this conversation, you have to let it go! We're going to have a baby!" she patted her belly and looked down at it, as if comforting the child inside.

"I haven't had a restful night since our wedding!"

She looked back up, eyes flashing. "That's what he wants, to get in your head! But they're only words, he can't hurt us."

Coal rolled his eyes. "The bastard poisoned an apple because he thought I had a bigger…"

The princess growled in frustration, interrupting him. "What can I do to ease your mind about this?"

Coal took a step forward and placed his hands on either side of his beloved's swollen abdomen. "I want to talk…to her."

Her eyes widened. "You don't mean…"

"Yeah, I do."

"Oh no, no, no, no. It's too dangerous."

"She sees the future!"

"There is a reason she's locked up! No, no husband of mine is traipsing down there to endanger himself. You think I want to raise this baby alone?"

Coal threw his hands up. "Can you promise me our baby will be _safe_? Can you _guarantee _it? I can't, but she can!"

The princess sighed. "All right. For our child. But I'm coming too."

Coal opened his mouth to protest, but one look from his wife shut him up fast.

One of their most trusted guards led the way down the winding staircase to the lowest part of the dungeons where the most powerful being in the realms was locked up.

"When we reach the cell, stay out of the light," the guard said, lighting the way with a single torch. "Whatever you do, do _not_ let her know your name…"

"This makes no sense," Coal interrupted. "She already knows…"

"Just do what he says, Coal!" the Princess sighed.

The guard stepped ahead, into the open area that held the fiend's cage. "Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin! I have a question for you."

A throaty, sensual chuckle filled the darkness as a thin, lithe creature climbed down the bars from the ceiling, as if she'd been waiting up there just to surprise them. She was dressed like a man in dragon-skin pants and vest, her hair that was cut to her chin was filthy and matted, and her skin gleamed a sickly shade of gold and green, but one look into the imps face revealed a temptress in disguise. People mistook her for many things, a beast, a gremlin, but never a man. She slithered down the bars as if caressing them, licking her lips seductively. "No you don't," she said, still chuckling. "_They _do," she pointed a long finger at the cloaked pair. "Coal Black and his twue wuv! You insult me, step into the light and take off those ridiculous robes."

Coal exchanged a look with his wife and the shrugged off the cloaks. "Told you so," Coal muttered getting an elbow in the ribs in response.

Rumpelstiltskin giggled, her voice high and childlike. "That's much better."

The princess stepped forward. "We've come to ask you about the…"

"Yes, yes I know why you're here!" the fiend snapped, bearing sharp teeth. "You want to know about the King's threat."

"Tell us what you know!" Coal demanded.

"Oooh, tense aren't we?" she waved a finger in the air dramatically. "Fear not, for I can ease your mind! But…it's gonna cost you something in return."

"This is a waste of time" the princess seethed.

"What do you want?" Coal asked at the same time.

Rumpelstiltskin batted her eyelashes. "Only the name of your unborn child."

"Absolutely not!"

"Deal!" Coal said, shooting his wife an apologetic glance. "What do you know?"

Rumpelstiltskin voice turned lower, more dangerous. "Ah, the King has created a powerful curse. And it's coming! Soon you'll all be in a prison, just like mine! Only worse! Your prison…ALL of our prisons…will be _time_. And we will be trapped someplace horrible, where everything we hold dead, everything we love will be RIPPED from us while we suffer for all eternity, while the King celebrates, VICTORIOUS AT LAST!" she leaned forward, whispering with a twisted grin on her face. "No more happy endings."

"What can we do?" Coal asked, his voice cracking.

Rumpelstiltskin scoffed. "_We_ can't do anything!"

"Who CAN?"

Rumpelstiltskin reached out toward his wife's stomach, in almost a gentle manner. "That little thing, growing inside your wife's belly."

The princess slapped the imp's hand. "Next time I bite it off."

But the fiend only giggled. "The infant is our only hope," she turned back to Coal. "Get the child to safety," she grabbed the bars, lifting herself up so that she could look down at the man, twisting her body almost crudely toward him. "Get the child to safety and on its…" she closed her eyes, as if trying to focus. "twenty…eighth birthday, the child will return. The child will find you," she opened her eyes, the they sparked with glee. "And the final battle will begin!" she cackled insanely, nearly losing her grip on the magical bars.

The princess shook her head. "This bitch is crazier than I thought, I've heard enough. We're leaving," she grabbed Coal's arm.

They both jumped when Rumpelstiltskin collided with the bars with a deranged scream. "No! We made a deal! I want his name! We. Had. A. Deal. I want his name! I need his name!"

"His?" the princess frowned. "It's a girl."

"Dearie…" Rumpelstiltskin crooned to Coal, reaching out her hand. "Dearie…you know I'm right. Tell me, what's his name?"

Coal glanced at his wife, then back at the beast and took a deep breath. "Emmitt. His name is Emmitt."

* * *

The drive seemed to take an eternity, but at long last, Emmitt saw a sign that said "Welcome to Storybrooke."

For a few insane miles, he had been starting to wonder if Storybrooke even exsisted.

"Okay Kid, how about an address?"

Hannah nodded sagely. "44 Not-Telling-You Street."

With an aggravated grunt, Emmitt slammed on the breaks, skidding to a stop in the middle of the empty street. He stomped out of the old Jeep and slammed the door just as a transformer blew above. It was windy, late, and cold and here we was stuck in the boonies with a girl who seemed like she was missing a few screws.

"Look," he began, trying hard not to lose his temper. "It's been a long night, and it's almost…" he glanced up at the big clock tower across the street. "Uh, 8:15?"

Hannah got out of the car and came around to stand beside him. "That clock hasn't moved my whole life. Time's frozen here."

Of course. Because no one has ever heard of a clock that doesn't move. "Excuse me?"

"The Evil King did it with his curse!" Hannah said if it were the most logical explanation. "He sent everyone from the Enchanted Forest _here_."

Emmitt raked a hand through his shaggy blonde hair then shoved his hands into the pockets of his favorite red leather jacket. "Hang on. The Evil King sent a bunch of fairytale characters…here."

Hannah nodded. "Yeah, and now they're trapped."

"Frozen in time, stuck in Storybrooke, Maine. That's…what you're going with?"

She put her hands on her hips. "It's true!"

Emmitt rolled his eyes. Maybe by indulging her imagination for a minute, he'd get some real answers. "Then why doesn't everybody just leave?"

"They can't, if they try, _bad _things happen."

Emmitt stared at the girl a moment, trying to figure out what would make her come up with such a wild story, when a tall, skinny woman with curly red hair and glasses, walking a Dalmatian appeared, making him jump. "Hannah!" she called. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?" the woman shot Emmitt a suspicious glare, looking him up and down.

"I'm fine, Angie," Hannah said, petting the dog.

Angie was still staring at Emmitt. "Who's this?"

Emmitt held up his hands. "Just something trying to give her a ride home, I swear."

"He's my dad, Angie," Hannah smiled.

Angie's eyes widened. "Oh…I see."

Emmitt sighed. As if enough people didn't think he was a weirdo. "You know where she lives?" _Why not just hand the girl over to this woman? _he thought, but somehow couldn't bring himself to ditch her until she was safely home.

Angie blinked, and suddenly it was like there was nothing odd about this strange guy toting the little girl around. "Oh, yeah, sure. Just uh, right up on Mifflin Street," she pointed the direction. "The Mayor's house is the biggest one on the block."

Emmitt sighed and folded his arms, looking down at the girl. "You're the Mayor's kid?"

Hannah bit her lip. "Maybe."

"Hey, where were you today?" Angie asked. "You missed our session."

Hannah looked the picture of guilt. "Oh, I forgot to tell you, I went on a field trip."

Emmitt seriously hoped the woman didn't buy that.

Angie knelt down to look the girl in the eyes. "Hannah? What did I tell you about lying? Giving into one's dark side never accomplishes anything."

Wow, no WONDER this kid talked like a fortune cookie! "Oookay," Emmitt began, wanting to be away from the strange woman. "Well, I really should be getting her home."

Angie smiled up at Emmitt and nodded. "Right, sure, well listen, have a good night. And uh, you be good, Hannah."

Angie took her dog and continued on down the street, and Emmitt turned to look back at Hannah. "So, that's your shrink."

Hannah glared at him. "I'm not crazy."

"I didn't say that. It's just…she didn't look _cursed _to me. Maybe she's just trying to help you."

"_She's_ the one who needs help, because she doesn't know."

"Right, that she's a fairytale character."

Hannah scrunched up her face in frustration. "None of them do! They don't remember who they are!"

Fine, whatever, just get the kid home and get the hell out of dodge. Emmitt turned to get back into the car. "Convenient. All right, I'll play. Who's she supposed to be?"

"Jiminy Cricket!" Hannah exclaimed, running back to the passenger side.

"Right," he laughed. "The lying thing. Thought your nose grew a little bit."

Hannah rolled her eyes. "I'm not Pinocchio!"

"'Course you're not. 'Cause _that_ would be ridiculous."

* * *

"Please don't take me back there!" Hannah begged, trailing behind Emmitt along the garden path toward an enormous house.

_Who wouldn't want to live here_? Emmitt asked himself. "I have to," he said to the girl. "I'm sure your parents are worried sick about you."

Hannah dragged her feet. "I don't have parents, just a dad, and he's _evil_."

This stopped Emmitt cold, he spun around, kneeling down in front of her. "What do you mean, evil? Has he hurt you?!" Maybe she was his kid, maybe she wasn't, but if that bastard had laid a hand on her, Emmitt would kill him, Mayor or not.

But Hannah blinked, both in surprise and confusion. "Hurt me? Like how? He's never _hurt_ me."

Emmitt's shoulder's slumped in relief. She was telling the truth. "Then how is he _evil_?"

"He…ignores me."

"Ignores you? I'm sorry Kid, but isn't evil a bit extreme?"

"He is! He doesn't love me, he only pretends to."

"Ah, Kid, I'm sure that's not true."

Suddenly the door flew open and a muscular man with dark hair and even darker eyes was running out in an expensive looking suit.

"Hannah!" he exclaimed, his voice betraying his fear and are relief. He scooped the little girl into his arms, holding her tightly, tears rolling down his face. "Hannah! Where have you been? What happened?"

Hannah wiggled to get down. "I found my _real_ dad!" with that she darted past the man, avoiding his arms, and ran into the house.

The man stood up and looked at Emmitt, sizing him up. "You're…you're Hannah's biological father?"

Emmitt shifted uncomfortably and offered an awkward smile. "Hi…"

Still standing in the doorway was a police officer, watching the scene. "I uh...I'll just go check on her…make sure she's okay," she turned and went into the house, leaving the two men outside.

After an uncomfortable silence, the Mayor shook his head, as if to clear it. "Drink?"

Emmitt sighed. "Whiskey?"

Emmitt followed the Mayor into the nicest house he'd ever been in. It was masculine and classy, but there wasn't much in the areas he could see that hinted at the fact that there was a little girl in residence.

"How did she find me?" Emmitt asked.

"No idea," the Mayor said. "I was told the birth mother wanted no contact, and I assumed the father didn't even know."

"You assumed right."

The Mayor stared at him. "And you're confident that you are, in fact, her father?"

Emmitt held up his hands. "Look, you don't need to be worried about me, I was just trying to get her home. As for being her father…yeah, I'm sure. My name is on the certificate…and I'm pretty sure there was no one else."

The police officer from before came downstairs. She was a tall, beautiful woman with light brown hair tied back into a ponytail and a lilting Scottish accent. "Reginald, you can relax. Other than being a tired little girl, Hannah's fine."

"Thank you, Sheriff," Reginald said, then motioned for Emmitt to follow him into the living room while the Sheriff let herself out. "I'm sorry she dragged you out of your life."

Emmitt shrugged. "Kid's having a rough time. Happens. Why do you think she sought me out instead of her mother?"

Reginald sighed. "My wife and I couldn't have children, and finally when we decided to adopt, she…" his eyes flashed with pain. "she passed away, and I was left to raise Hannah alone. You have to understand, ever since I became mayor, balancing things has been tricky. You have a job, I assume?"

"Uh, I keep busy, yeah."

"Imagine taking care of someone else on top of it. That's being a single dad. Why did she seek you out? I don't know, but maybe she just longs for when she had a daddy and not a mayor for a father. I push for order. Am I strict? I suppose, but I do it for her own good. I want Hannah to excel in life. I don't think that makes me evil, do you?"

Emmitt couldn't find fault in what the guy was saying. He seemed to just be a single dad, doing what he could. And he'd kept the kid, even after his wife died. That was more than Emmitt ever got. "I'm sure she's just saying that because of the fairytale thing."

Reginald frowned. "What fairytale thing?"

Emmitt chuckled. "Oh, you know, her book. How she thinks everyone's a cartoon character from it. Like she thinks her shrink is Jiminy Cricket."

The Mayor looked genuinely confused. "I'm sorry….I really have no idea what you're talking about."

Emmitt grimaced and took one last swig of his whiskey. Odd, it kind of tasted like apples. "Know what? It's none of my business. She's your kid, and I really should be getting back."

"Of course," Reginald said, standing to walk Emmitt out.

Emmitt rubbed his hands over his face as he made his way back down the walkway toward his ancient yellow Jeep Wrangler. He paused a second, then took one last look at the big, beautiful home. A dream house for any orphan. In the second story window to the right, he caught sight of Hannah watching him from his room.

Dammit, why did she have to look so sad?

Emmitt was a bundle of nerves as he drove down the deserted street. He just couldn't get over the feeling that Hannah needed help. But why? She had a rich father, a perfect home, everything she could possibly want or need. Everything Emmitt didn't have, and couldn't possibly have ever given her.

So why did he feel like shit?

He noticed something in the passenger seat that wasn't supposed to be there and glanced down to see the girl's Once Upon a Time book sitting there. He smirked. "Sneaky little…"

All of a sudden, he saw a freaking _wolf _in the middle of the road. "SHIT!" he yelled, trying to swerve to avoid hitting the animal.

He didn't see the sign coming.

* * *

"I don't want to do this."

Coal took his wife gently by the shoulders, fighting back his own tears. "It has to be you," he whispered.

They'd held a meeting with their closest friends and allies, trying to find a way to stop Reginald before he could cast the curse. But there was nothing they could do. The curse was on its way. Birds had been arriving, flown from the farthest reaches of the realm, telling Coal (who happened to speak Bird) that they'd seen the dark cloud.

They were almost out of time.

But the Blue Fairy told them that they'd found an enchanted tree, that fashioned into a vessel could save their child. The Savior. But it could only hold one…and that one would be the child's mother.

Geppetta was with her daughter then, carving the wardrobe, and all they could do was wait.

"I'm not leaving you," the princess cried.

Coal brushed a lock of golden hair from his love's face, wishing to commit her face to memory. Would he ever see her again? Pain jabbed at his heart. "It's the only way. You'll go in there, and you'll be safe from the curse."

"But he said it would be on his _twenty-eighth_ birthday!"

"What's twenty-eight years when you have eternal love?" Coal pulled his wife into a desperate kiss, wishing that it didn't have to be this way and cursing his damned step-father.

Suddenly she pulled back, face distorting in pain.

"What is it?" Coal asked.

Her eyes widened. "The baby…he's coming!"

* * *

Above their heads on the parapets, Grumpy was leaning on the wall, staring off into the distance and sipped not-so-delicately from her flask. Then she saw it…the green and purple cloud, rolling over the horizon.

She kicked her sister, Sleepy, who was dozing against the wall. "Wake up! Wake up! Look!"

Both dwarfs ducks as a dragon soars above head, trying desperately to outrace the ominous cloud closing in fast. Grumpy races for warning bell and rings it. "The curse! It's HERE!"

* * *

Emmitt felt like he'd been hit by a bus. Then sat on by an elephant. Then run over again. He opened his eyes carefully, wincing when they were met by bright sunlight. _But wait…wasn't it just night?_

The last thing he remembered was seeing that damn book in the seat next to him…ugh. Then the wolf. Sitting up slowly, he became aware of the fact that he was…in jail. Great.

Whistling drew his attention to the neighboring cell, were a rough-looking woman reclined on her own cot, whistling away at a tune Emmitt found vaguely familiar.

"What are YOU looking at, sonny?" the woman growled.

"Hey, Lori, manners!" an older woman chided, a cleaning lady by the looks of it, who was empting a trashcan. She had a thick Italian accent and her nametag read "Margo" "We have a guest! So you are Hannah's father eh? How lovely for her to have you back in her life."

Emmitt tensed, but found no hint of condescension or mockery in the old woman's voice. She was being genuine. Go figure. "Actually, I was just dropping her off."

Her neighbor, Lori, "tsked". "Don't blame ya. They're all brats, who needs 'em?"

"Well I'd give anything for one!" Margo said. "My husband and I, we tried for many years, but…it was no meant to be."

Lori scoffed. "Well cry me a river."

Right then the Sheriff entered, giving Lori a scolding yet indulgent look. "Lori! I'm going to let you out, but you need to behave!" she opened the cell and Lori strutted out. "Now put on a smile and stay out of trouble."

Lori gave what might have been a smile but looked more like a sneer and waltzed out of the building.

"Seriously?" Emmitt droned.

The sheriff gave him a half-condescending half-flirtatious grin. "Reginald's drinks; a little stronger than we thought."

Emmitt narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't drunk. There was a wolf standing in the middle of the road!"

She gave him a look he was sure matched the one he gave Hannah when she told him her book was real. It wasn't fun on the receiving end. "A wolf. Right."

"Gianna?" Reginald shouted from the hall. "Hannah's run away again!" he barreled into the station, and when he saw Emmitt in the cell his eyes blazed. "What's the hell's he doing here?" he stomped up to the cell. "Do you know where she is?"

Emmitt didn't like the way this guy was talking to him. "Dude, I haven't seen her since I dropped her off at your house," he indicated the bars around him. "And I have a pretty good alibi."

Reginald sneered at him. "Yeah? Well she wasn't in her room this morning!"

"Did you try her friends?"

He blinked. "She doesn't really have any. Kind of a loner."

Emmitt ignored how close that hit to home. _Friendless orphan_. "All kids have friends," he said quietly, more to himself than to the others in the room. His life as a bounty hunter was kicking in, and his brain started working overtime. "Did you check her computer? If she was close to someone she'd be emailing them."

Reginald narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "And you know this how?"

Emmitt leaned on the bars. "Finding people is what I do. Here's an idea, how 'bout you guys let me out and I'll help you find her?"

* * *

After searching Hannah's computer, (who lets a ten year old have a computer in their room, anyway?) Emmitt discovered that the smart little kid had found him through a website with her teacher's credit card. Why her teacher loaned her a credit card, he didn't know just yet, but was curious to find out as he sat in ultra-awkward silence in Reginald's car to the school.

Ignoring him completely, Reginald charged into the school and straight for a classroom, and for a minute Emmitt felt concern for this poor teacher.

"Mayor Mills, what are you doing here?" Emmitt heard a deep and powerful voice say, even though the tone was incredibly meek and humble.

Michael Mackinley Blanchard was a tower of lean muscle with black hair that stood stark against his white skin and green eyes. He stood a full head above Reginald, but he cowered before the other man, a fact which puzzled Emmitt immensely.

"Where is my daughter?" Reginald spat.

Michael Mackinley flinched visibly. He was young, no older than Emmitt, and probably a good looking guy, not that Emmitt was a great expert on that subject, but his choice in clothes was dated at best, Mr. Rodgers at worst and his demeanor that screamed "doormat" was just sad. "Hannah? I assumed she was home sick with you."

"Do you think I'd be here if she was? Did you give her a credit card so she could find him?"

Michael Mackinley looked up and noticed Emmitt for the first time. "Uh, sorry, who are you?"

Emmitt faltered. "I'm uh…I'm…"

"The baby daddy," Reginald sneered.

Emmitt rolled his eyes while Michael Mackinley just frowned in confusion. "You don't know anything about this, do you?" Emmitt asked, seeing that the poor guy was genuinely lost.

"No, unfortunately not," he pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and looked through it, then gave an amused and almost…no, couldn't be proud…smile. "Clever girl. I guess I should have never given her that book."

Reginald threw up his hands. "What the hell is this book I keep hearing about?!"

"Just some old stories I gave her!" Michael Mackinley blurted. "As you well know, Hannah is a special girl; so smart, so creative. And…" he took a breath, and for just that moment seemed to grow a nerve at last. "…as you may know, lonely. She needed it."

Reginald shook his head. "What she _needs_ is a dose of reality. This was a waste of time," he turned to leave, deliberately bumping into a desk and sending the books stacked there flying. "Have a good trip back to Boston," he grumbled at Emmitt in passing.

Frowning, Emmitt knelt to help the teacher pick up his books. "Sorry, man," he mumbled.

"No, it's…" Michael Mackinley glanced up at Emmitt, and a strange look flashed across his face before he shook it off. "it's fine. This is partly my fault anyway."

"How was a book supposed to help anyway?"

Michael Mackinley stacked the books then jerked his head toward the door, motioning Emmitt to follow him. "What do you think stories are for? These stories, the classics? There's a reason we all know them. There're a way to deal with our world, a world we don't always understand."

_Jeez, does everyone in this town talk like a Hallmark card?_

"You see," Michael Mackinley continued as they walked down the hall. "Hannah hasn't had the easiest life."

Emmitt snorted. "Yeah, he's kind of a dick."

Michael Mackinley smirked at his choice of words, but didn't comment on it. "No it's more than him. She's like any adopted child. She wrestles with that most basic question they all inevitably face, why would anyone give me away? Why didn't they want me?"

"What if they didn't know?" Emmitt mumbled.

Michael Mackinley shot him a sympathetic look. "Sorry, man, I don't mean it to judge you or anything, none of this seems like your fault. I gave the book to her because I wanted Hannah to have the most important thing anyone could have…" When Emmitt frowned questioningly, he hurried to continue. "Hope. Even the possibility of a happy ending is a powerful thing."

"You know where she is, don't you?"

Michael Mackinley smiled. "Why don't you try her castle?"

* * *

Coal looked down into the most perfect face he'd ever seen in his life.

Geppetta had burst in, announcing that the wardrobe was ready, but it was too late, Emmitt was here, and there was still only room for one.

"At least we're together," his love whispered, kissing her baby boy's soft blonde curls.

"No," Coal said, tears stinging his eyes. "We have to put him in."

"What are you saying?" she cried, clutching her baby closer. "Are you insane?"

"It's the only way! We have to send him through!" he leaned down, running one hand along his beloved's face, the other cradling his son's head. "We have to give him his best chance."

His true love nodded, and with an agonizing cry, she passed the baby to him.

"Goodbye, Emmitt," she cried, kissing her child one last time.

Coal kissed his wife with all the love he had in him, in case it was the last time they ever saw one another, then grabbing a sword and looking tenderly down at his boy, he ran from the room, trying hard to not hear the anguished wails behind him.

Though much more comfortable with a bow and arrow, Coal expertly wielded his sword, and when he was surrounded by four of Reginald's men, he held Emmitt close to his heart and fought each of them off one-handed with ease, his love for his son giving him the strength he needed.

Locking himself into the nursery, Coal threw the doors of the wardrobe open and gently placed the baby inside.

Leaning down, he kissed the fuzzy little head, and prayed his son would be safe. "Find us," he whispered, sobbing, the closed and locked the door.

The guards broke in, and Coal fought them off one by one.

"Coal!" his beloved cried from the doorway, clutching her abdomen.

Coal lurched forward to embrace his wife and let her know that they're son was safe, when suddenly she gasped and her eyes flew open wide.

A soldier was behind her, his sword in her back.

"NO!" Coal screamed, slicing through the bastard's throat before he could even raise his arm again. He caught her before she could hit the floor, holding her to him. "No…please…" he cried, pressing his lips to hers.

"Don't worry," Reginald chuckled, waltzing into the nursery like he owned the place. "In a moment you won't even remember you knew her."

"Why are you doing this?" Coal asked.

"Because this is MY happy ending." Another soldier entered behind him. "The boy?"

"Gone," the soldier said fearfully. "One moment he was in the wardrobe, the next he was gone."

"Where is he?!" Reginald demanded.

Coal managed a smile through his tears. "He got away. You're going to lose. Good will always win."

Reginald smirked. "We'll see about that.

The room began to shake, and the roof was suddenly ripped off, sucked into a whirling void. Things were flying around, circling around them, and not just objects from the room. Coal stared in terrified fascination at images of carriages that moved without horses, buildings unlike any he'd ever seen, a sign that said…Storybrooke.

"Where are we going?" he yelled above the roar of the storm, clutching his wife closer.

Reginald's laugh boomed. "Someplace horrible. Where the only happy ending…will be mine."

* * *

Just as her teacher thought, Emmitt found Hannah perched on her "castle," which is to say an old, crumbling wooden playground.

Hannah didn't look up as Emmitt climbing into the castle beside her, swinging his legs over the side and passing her the book. "You left this in my car," she took it without comment, and surprisingly, Emmitt found himself clawing for conversation, something he didn't think had ever happened to him before. He jerked his head toward the clock tower. "Still hasn't moved, huh?"

"I was hoping that when I brought you back, things would begin to change here. That the final battle would begin."

The girl still hadn't looked at him, and Emmitt hated how it gnawed at his gut. "I'm not fighting any battles, kid," he said quietly, sadly.

Hannah looked at him at last. "Yes you are! You're here because it's your destiny! You're gonna bring back the happy endings."

No, he didn't want this! The last thing Emmitt needed was anybody…_needing_ him. Not this town, and certainly not this girl! "Can you cut it with the book crap?" he snapped.

But Hannah only smiled. "You don't have pretend to be mean, I know you like me. I can tell. You're just pushing me away because I make you feel guilty," what was this kid? A self-help book? "But it's okay. You didn't know. I know that if you did, you would have wanted me."

Crap. "How do you know?"

"Because you're Coal Black's son."

Emmitt sighed. "Listen to me, Kid. I am not in any book. I'm a real person, and I'm sure as…heck no savior. But you're right about one thing…" he hesitated, and his next words came out in a choked whisper. "…if I'd known…" he shook his head. "But Nicole had her reasons for giving you away instead of to me. Your best chance wasn't _with_ me, and I want what I think she wanted, for you to have your best chance. And it's still not with me."

"But don't you see?" Hannah insisted. "That's why Coal Black gave you away, too! To give you your best chance!"

Emmitt shook his head again, hopping off the castle starting to walk. "C'mon, let's go."

"Please don't take me back there!" Hannah exclaimed, coming very close to reaching Emmitt's breaking point. "Just stay with me for one week, that's all I ask! One week and you'll see I'm not crazy!"

Emmitt refused to look at her, lest he be trapped. "I have to get you back to your dad."

"But you don't know what it's _like _with him! My life sucks!"

Finally Emmitt stopped and spun around to face her, every feeling of abandonment and loneliness he'd ever felt bursting out of him, coupled with the agony of knowing that for at least the past ten years, he could have had _someone_. He could have had her. "You wanna know what _sucking_ is? Being left alone on the side of the freeway! My parents didn't even bother to drop me off at a hospital!" why was he saying this to her? He'd never said this to anyone? And what, was he about to start crying like a girl? Damn it! "I ended up in the foster system and I had a family until I was three but then they had their own kid so they sent me back!" he took a deep breath. "Look, your dad is trying his best. I know it's hard, and I know that sometimes you think he doesn't love you, but at least he _wants_ you."

"Your parents didn't leave you on the side of the freeway!" Hannah cried, tears falling down her rosy cheeks. "That's just where you came through!"

"What?"

"The wardrobe! When you went through the wardrobe you appeared in the street. Your parents were trying to save you from the curse!"

Emmitt sighed. There was no reasoning with this kid. Of all the crazy scenarios his mind had concocted about his parents over the years, this one definitely blew them all out of the water, but it was a nice sentiment either way. Too bad it was probably the farthest from the truth. "Sure they were," he said, accepting defeat. "C'mon."

He turned to hike down the rocks, feeling the warmth of a tiny hand slip into his own large, calloused one.

She might as well have wrapped her hand around his heart.

Crap

* * *

Exhausted and heavy of heart, Emmitt dragged his feet up the walkway of the only motel in town; Papa's Inn.

He'd taken the girl home, received a cold thanks from the father along with a message in no uncertain terms that Emmitt was _not _welcome in Hannah's life.

It would have been enough. Hannah was clearly not being harmed in anyway, at least not physically, and she was being well cared for. No matter how much the little thing had managed to worm her way into his heart, knowing that she was okay would have been enough.

But he had to ask…he just _had _to know, and then he could leave and never look back.

He asked Reginald if he loved her.

Of course the Mayor told Emmitt he did, but Emmitt could see it. Maybe it wasn't a lie per se, maybe in a way Reginald did love his daughter, but when he'd said it his eyes were cold and emotionless.

Hannah wasn't being hurt, but she also wasn't being loved. Emmitt could not, _would _not turn his back on her until he knew for certain that she would be okay.

Papa's Inn was run down to say the least. Cobwebs and dust coated pretty much every surface. He was just about to call out when an elderly man came stomping down the stairs, followed a teenaged boy. "You're out all night and now you're going out again!"

"I should have moved to _Boston!_" the boy snapped. He was dressed like a punk, with spiked hair that was died red at the tips and black eyeliner. His clothes were black and red, and he was weighed down with chains and spikes.

"I'm sorry my heart attack interfered with your plans to party your way across the Eastern Seaboard!" the old man snapped back.

"Uh, 'scuse me?" Emmitt called. "I'd, uh, like a room?"

"Really?" the old man, "Papa" Emmitt assumed said, blinking in surprise. "Rusty! Get down my ledger!"

Rusty groaned and rolled his eyes, but did as his grandfather ordered, plopping the dusty ancient book down on the desk.

Papa opened the book, putting on a pair of reading glasses. "Would you like a forest view or a square view? Normally there's an upgrade fee for the square, but as the rent is due, I'll wave it."

"Square is fine," Emmitt said, shifting back and forth on his feet.

"Now, what's the name?"

"Mallard. Emmitt Mallard."

"Emmitt…"

Emmitt jumped slightly and turned around when a woman's soft voice spoke from behind him.

She was petite, but just radiated power. She was dressed impeccably and held an elegant cane in one hand. She looked him up and down and smiled suggestively, making Emmitt gulp. "I like your name."

"Uh…thanks."

Papa thrust out a wad of cash from behind the counter. "It's all here."

The woman smiled pleasantly and accepted the money. "Yes, yes, of course it is, Dearie, thank you," she looked at Emmitt again and winked. "Enjoy your stay…Emmitt."

Once the strange woman was gone, Emmitt finally voice the question his mind had been screaming the past three minutes. "Who the hell was that?"

"Ms. Gold, she owns this place," Rusty said, watching leave from the window.

"The inn?" Emmitt asked.

"No," Papa said, frowning. "The _town_," he seemed to mentally shake himself and plastered on a smile. "So! How long will you be staying?"

"A week," Emmitt said. "Just a week."

"Great," the old man handed Emmitt an old fashioned key. "Welcome to Storybrooke."

* * *

Hannah stared out her window. Nothing had gone the way she'd planned. Emmitt didn't step up to be the knight in shining armor she so hoped he'd be. But she hadn't given up yet. He was the _Savior_, it was his destiny to save them all!

She squinted her eyes to see the clock tower in the distance and rested her chin on her hands.

Then suddenly…the minute hand moved.

Hannah smiled.

* * *

"So, what do you guys think of my fanfiction so far?" Mr. Gold closed his notebook, grinning up at his captive audience. No, literally captive, except for Belle of course.

"I loved it!" Belle exclaimed, leaning forward in her chair.

Everyone else was held fast to their chairs by magic, so they couldn't lean forward.

"You took our story and reversed our genders?" Emma asked deadpan.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Henry and Neal spoke simultaneously.

"Why did I have to be a woman?" David whined.

"Would rather he write us both as men, Charming?" asked Snow, arching an eyebrow.

"No...I...uh, I mean, why did I have to be such a drama queen?"

"You mean just because you're written as a woman you're a drama queen?" asked Emma.

"No! I just...so Gold, what's your next story?"

Gold smiled, opening his notebook once more. "Glad you asked."

* * *

**Teehee. So like I said, writing the pilot was sort of an experiment to A) get acquainted with writing the characters as different genders and B) see what you guys think of the idea. I'm not just going to go through every episode, but I do want to do condensed (won't be as long as this one) versions of Snow Falls and Skin Deep...for...reasons. (Evil Laugh) But if you guys are into it...or, honestly even if you aren't because I just like to write, lol, I plan to do more Once Upon an Adventure Time tales featuring squishy little Hannah, Ms. Gold and her true love, Danielle (David) being a drama queen, and - of course - Emmitt/MM bromance palooza! :D So leave me a note, even just a quick one, and tell me what you think!**

**Also, you may have noticed that I deliberately didn't reveal what Prince Charming's female name is here. It was the one that took me the longest to decide on, and I didn't settle on it until I was half-way through writing this, so I decided to save it for Snow Falls. :) So feel free to take a guess as to what it is!**


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